Decaf is not a crime

The Decaf Doppelgänger does not hate coffee. They hate being awake at 01:12 explaining a slide deck to the ceiling. They order in a voice so quiet the barista has to lean in. The mug is identical. The career is jazz.

Decaffeination is chemistry, not treason. Swiss Water, sugarcane ethyl acetate, CO₂ — the bean keeps most of its flavour furniture and loses most of the doorbell. Residual caffeine is a rounding error, not a plot twist.

Office Snob will hear it anyway. Scandal is a contact sport in shared kitchens. The rest of the universe treats stealth decaf as a public service if it means someone sleeps.

You can still be in the club. The club is in denial. Hold the mug like this. Go to bed at 22:00 like a champion. Dignity intact.